>> Pregnancy Diaries



Many of those who have heard the news have been quite disappointed in me. Probably because I haven’t married. Nor do I live on my own or hold any steady flowing income currently. And it’s pretty scary, don’t get me wrong. There’s a need for support. And while I don’t necessarily feel physically unsupported or spiritually unsupported, my emotional state is consistently ripped to shreds by my surrounding community. My family. My partner’s family. They are very good at overstepping the boundaries of my own business. Like what I put in my body and what I choose to put on my baby’s registry. This conditional support brings anger and confusion to my body. Many want grand-children, many want to see me doing things with my life, but being a mother when I’m (quote) “not ready” is too much for people to truly support.

I try to stay away from accusatory language, especially when it comes to how women are treated, just because I don’t want to bring myself into victimhood, but (here I go into victimhood), being a pregnant black woman, I feel little support from the older generations that are supposed to be open to helping. Instead they are intimidated by my moral compass and ethical standings on how to move in the world and how to impact the world in a way that feels best for me and beneficial to the coming generations. I’ve had pushback on cloth diapers, non-hospital birth, my vegetarian diet, or anything that seems out of the ordinary.

But honestly, this emotional neglect and support in my choices has been going on for a few years now, since I decided to begin making my own choices instead of choosing to live in survival mode under my parents' decisions. And this is very much expected once you begin turning into an adult. Your parents, who thought that they were ready to let you go and be your own person are scared that their control over you has now worn off. Parents have become commanders in chief instead of guides of unique and independent souls.

When and once my baby becomes earthside, I promise to be a guide. A lover. And a friend to the child that chose me as it’s mother. I am not here to govern, but to care for and nurture. I am to be accepting of this being, as the universe has been accepting of me. I am committed to this promise and am continuing to prepare for this role as my body prepares another body for another soul. I realize, in this pregnancy, that I am not in control and that majority of what I am choosing is the way that I have been guided to bring this child earthside, it is not me being dogmatic, it is me honoring the requests of the soul that has chosen to enter my body.

These past few weeks, I have been updating my registry every single day after watching youtube videos about baby bags, zero waste parenting, postpartum care, cloth diapers, cloth diaper cleaning/laundry, minimal baby rooms, newborn essentials, etc. I’ve watched a good amount of youtube’s zero waste parenting content and have found it quite inspiring. I have also watched a few videos about gentle parenting and am finding that this seems to be the best route for raising a child that is caring, gentle and emotionally intelligent.

Some people around me think I’m making a mistake by following through with my pregnancy, and while I could’ve taken plenty of preventative measures, this is what happened and having people around that are not fully supportive is extremely discouraging. I am aware that this is not ideal and people can have whatever opinions they’d like, but their opinions of how I should raise my child or how I should have gotten pregnant are irrelevant at this point because this is where we are now. There is nothing to think or talk about in regards to that. I have already gone through and continue to go through the emotional heartache of being unmarried, unprepared, and unplanned in my pregnancy.

I am holding onto hope, something my baby will not understand until time becomes a concept in their little brain. But I’ll hold onto it for both of us.

I love you, little one.

  (Because it’s natural. It’s human.)