4/19/2022

I’ve been sitting with the idea of readiness for the past few days. Since my baby’s due date (4/17). I wonder what ready looks and feels like, more what it feels like than anything else. I can feel myself getting more and more anxious and eager to see what the next stage of family is like. I can feel myself becoming impatient. And because I’ve been feeling impatient, I’ve been doing my best to stay in each moment and giving myself the space to be here now.

In this space, I feel a deep longing to be alone. To not be touched by anyone. Which is interesting because throughout this whole pregnancy, I’ve wanted the opposite. I’ve wanted to feel like I’m not doing this by myself, like I have a village behind me to take some of the burden off of me. I have built a great support system these past 9 months and I couldn’t have possibly gotten this far without any of them. I feel now that I know that they are here and willing to help, and that now, my work of birthing must be done on my own. I must birth my baby, whether I like it or not, with only my body. I must trust my body to move through the laboring process and bring my baby into the physical space that this support has created for them. 

And while I won’t be alone in my birthing process, I know that nobody else can do this work for me. I must do it. 

But, maybe I don’t. Maybe my ancestors are watching over me and cheering me on. Maybe my baby is cheering me on and working with me to make it happen. Maybe I just have to do my part, the only part that is for me right now. 

I crave alone time these days. I crave silence. I crave space for myself. I crave space to not feel a need to be something for somebody. Which is quite ironic. 

Since becoming pregnant, I have found a fear in myself. A fear of abandonment. A fear of being alone. Now that my reality is that I won’t be alone for years after having this baby (beyond having a babysitter and minding my business for a few days or hours), I find myself grieving the space for myself. 

I realize how valuable and important and sacred that space for self is again. I had forgotten for a bit. I’m glad I can see it again and hope that it’s not too late. 

(I’m still alive, so it’s not.)

I am committed to taking care of myself no matter how crazy life gets, because that is what will keep me moving forward.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

  (Because it’s natural. It’s human.)