model | writer | yoga teacher

>> Pregnancy Diaries

2/7/2022 -- Yes, we can!

(It’s been three weeks since I wrote and published on here. Which is a long time. But feels much needed. I guess.)

Pregnancy has not been at all what I planned for it to be. And honestly, I’m not even sure what my ideal pregnancy looks like anymore. I’ve been swept up in a whirtlwind of expectations for myself, from myself and others. There’s been a lot of judgement on my diet from my own mind and the mind of my partner, who knows me as a fruit loving vegetarian. He took pictures as he giggled a few weeks ago when he saw me eat chicken wings for the first time ever. I find myself hiding my eating habits these days because I never thought that I would be eating the amount of junkfood that I do. But some days, that’s the only thing that I can swallow. Not because I’m nauseous, but because nothing else tastes all that good to me.

My relationship with food hasn’t always been all that good. Though, before, I was at least enjoying the food I ate when I ate it. Since being pregnant, food is not something I’m excited about partaking in. I dread the thought of what to have for my next meal. So really anything will do. 

I didn’t realize how difficult it would be for me to explain how I feel during my pregnancy. I love writing, but even writing seems like a struggled search to find a black hair in a head full of greys.

I am tired. That’s usually what I have the energy and understanding to get out when people ask how I’m doing. And that doesn’t mean it’s any less true, cause it very much is. It’s just not all of it. 

Overwhelm is a common theme. And it doesn’t seem to be understood by my partner unfortunately. Being in a room of too many people or being in a room of people that have huge energies, especially those with loud, carrying voices, is too much for me to surround myself with. Arguments are common, yet tend to be over small communication issues and my annoyance from these said “arguments” last for either 45 seconds after I stop talking or close to an hour after. No inbetween.

I can’t help but feel bad for him and myself. Cause in all honesty, neither of us were ready. And I can’t say that we are now. Our worlds have been booted right-side-down and we’re both doing our best to manage with the constant and rapid change that we thought we were already accustomed to just from being on Earth. This is a completely different kind of change. It’s challenging the foundation: the love in and for yourself, the security in who you are, your belief system, the amount of compromise you’re willing to give for another being (not even just the baby, but for the partner), your habits, your trust in the universe and your partner and this baby that will be emerging from my womb in the next few months, your understanding of how to relate to others and so on. This is the ultimate test to see if human beings can take on the world. Can we survive childbirth? Will our relationship to the world around us and the people in it thrive or fall off with the healthy eating habits that we thought we had locked in months before finding a baby in my womb?

Not to mention the actual birthing experience. The thought of which wakes me up in the middle of the night sometimes. I just don’t know what to expect. And how could I know? I just know that this baby will be removed from this body somehow. This is a huge act of surrender. 
Surrendering to the pain, the pleasure, the noise, the physical and mental discomfort, the breath, the divine plan.

Surrendering to new life.

Can we do it?
Bob the Builder says “Yes, we can!”

Thanks, Bob.
THANK YOU.                                                                                                                                                                             

  (Because it’s natural. It’s human.)