01/13/2022 -- Guilt of the “NO”

Being that I am sharing a good amount of myself online, especially throughout my pregnancy, I have been feeling a valid need to retract and hide my face. I’ve put my phone on ‘do not disturb’ since the beginning of 2022. I haven’t been doing photoshoots (ie practicing modeling) as often as I originally planned for myself when I found out that I’m pregnant. Nor have I really felt all that comfortable to do so with many photographers for the simple fact that being pregnant and going through so much change in a short period of time is a very vulnerable time for any wombman.

In sharing myself so openly, I must still be willing and able to say no to things that do not feel good to me. I must hold the knowledge of what’s mine and the discipline to keep my energy sacred and take care of my time.

I have felt a lot of guilt around saying no to friends, family or acquaintances when they ask to shoot or just to simply hang out, as I have very little outward energy to give, and I prefer to keep most of it for myself and what I need to do to take care of my growing family.

Being aware enough to know which spaces I ought to enter now as a pregnant lady, is something I intend to integrate outside of my pregnancy as well.

There are a good amount of things, ideas, events, etc. that I just can’t care about right now. And yet there are things I’d like to think I wouldn’t or shouldn’t care about that eat up space in my mind.

There are plenty of things in my life and I can’t say that any of the things I choose to keep aren’t mine. They all fit. Even if they seem outrageous at first. It’s all me.

Which is something that has taken a while for me to understand and acknowledge as truth. Everything I have is my own. Everything I need is presented to me. All that is mine will always be for me and will always find me as long as I recognize it as mine and remain true to myself.

I do find value in letting go of things and parts of myself that are no longer needed, that are no longer fitting for me. And this pregnancy has reminded me of that importance. That need for clear thought and discernment as an expression of knowledge of myself.

This baby fits me right now. And once it no longer does, I must let it go. And like letting go of anything, there will be pain and discomfort, but also a massive amount of trust that all is well. All is well. Yes. All is well.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

  (Because it’s natural. It’s human.)